My "Coming In” Story
I will never forget that sunny day in San Francisco, the year was 2011. I was living in San Francisco in order to complete a summer internship which means I had a lot of time to think and reflect.There I layed in my small dorm room where I came to the realization that I was romantically attracted to men. That realization wasn’t exactly new but the difference this time was that I actually put it into words and that I started to own it. That day in 2011 was the result of many years of discomfort that I always walked around with. I walked around with this feeling like something was off center. That day in 2011 was the end of my wandering thoughts about what was wrong and the beginning of a long journey of coming into who I truly was and embracing myself, forgiving myself, and moving forward.
I have never really liked the concept of “coming out” because it promotes this idea that in order to be comfortable in who you are that all of people around you deserve to know about your sexual identity and preference. When any of us decide to share something private about ourselves with the people in our lives we are not coming out, instead we are inviting others in. For me, instead of feeling the pressure to reveal something I see this exchange as an invitation that the recipient can accept or decline.
I wish that I had arrived at the concept of “coming in” a bit earlier than the age of 26. Sharing something as personal as your sexual preference really needs the support of the community. Unfortunately many people don't have a supportive community surrounding them to help to support them during some of life’s most difficult times.
Another level of “coming in” involves abandoning the idea that other people have the right to your story. You get to share your truth with whomever you feel most comfortable.
Prior to coming out I observed examples of other coming out storys of friends in my network. With thos examples I was that they experienced negative feedback and rejection from their friend group. In teh case of another friend who came out I leaned that they felt left behind and abandoned by the friend group that they had prior to them coming out. Watching these coming out stories unfold helped me to identify a few things:
Before I came out, I had to get so comfortable with my truth that even the potential hurt of rejection from the closest people around me would not send me back spiraling down into the feelings of pain and rejection I had experienced leading up to my own acceptance
I decided to only share my coming out with those whose opinions and support masttered. I knew that I was going to come out gradually and that I was going to prioritize who I shared it with based on how close they were to me and how safe I felt
I wanted to do the individual work and healing beforeI came out (or at least start the process) before I shared it with others; especially because Iknew that many of the people in my immediate circle at the time were most likely not going to understand or accept me
With all of that information inside of my head I aegan to do the work and untangle and unlearn and get comfortable with this newly realized truth.
Once I got more comfortable I began to come out of the closest people to me.
What I did wrong was hoping that coming out to people around me would somehow solve all of my problems, apprehensions and confusion about being a gay man and I thought that their external aapproval was the key to my internal acceptance. But I was wrong. Coming out is all about everyone else an coming in is about the individual owning their truth. Since then I have taken responsibility for my own truth and I have been able to create a life that is joyous, healthy and sustainable.
For those of you who may be struggling with their sexuality or if you know someone who is struggling with coming out as queer i have indulded some resources below:
The Trevor Project
The Trevor Project provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning young people under 25. Learn more: www.thetrevorproject.org
TrevorLifeline
Phone: 1-866-488-7386
Hours: Available 24/7
Cost: Free